November 5, 2011 (Special to the New York Times)
Two of the nation’s most prominent psychiatrists said today that the “Occupy Wall Street” protests have taken place because the demonstrators have a form of mental illness first seen in uncooperative toddlers.
Dr E. Fullovit Torrey, of the Treatment Advocacy Center in Washington, said the demonstrators were suffering from the newly-discovered adult form of oppositional defiant disorder. Until now, this illness has been seen only in children. Typically, a two-year-old with the disease shows symptoms like refusing to go to bed when asked, and having a tantrum when he doesn’t get his way. The illness is usually treated with powerful anti-psychotic drugs.
Dr. Torrey is a well-known advocate for the right of the mentally ill to receive psychiatric treatment, even when they object. Such “assisted treatment” should be applied to the Wall Street protestors, he said.
According to Dr. Torrey, “This is what happens when millions of the untreated mentally ill are allowed to walk the streets. In city after city, the psychotic behavior of these unfortunate people now threatens our American way of life. These poor people are blinded by their sickness, and are rebelling against the foundations of civilized society, such as the universally recognized principle that the better class of people should run things.”
Concurring with Dr Torrey, Dr. Joseph Mengele, chief of research for GlaxoPfizerNovartisLilly, the world’s largest pharmaceutical maker, said that his company has developed a new medication to calm the protestors. Its mode of administration is precisely tailored to deal with the problem of mentally ill demonstrators who cannot be reached by the usual means. Pacify (TM), or sodium beelzebub, can be given by shooting darts into the protestors, similar to those used to tranquilize large wild animals.
Dr. Mengele, who is also President-Elect of the American Psychiatric Association, said that police could easily be trained to apply the medication to protestors. Instead of tear gas and flash-bang grenades, which the general public tends to look upon unfavorably, one shot with a dart gun can immobilize protestors in a more acceptable way.. Thus, the streets can be cleaned up quickly and with minimal public relations problems.
Dr. Mengele said the new drug has been tested on mental patients in Guatemala, Burkina Faso, and Mississippi, and found to be safe and effective. The fatality rate in the two-week trials was minimal, only about twenty per cent. And it is believed that in about six to nine months after receiving the medication, some patients will recover to the point where they may even be able to be employed in undemanding jobs, such as cleaning toilets.
The Food and Drug Administration is expected to approve Pacify (TM) within the next few weeks, as soon as FDA officials receive adequate payments from GlaxoPfizerNovartisLilly.
Each dose of the new drug will cost the U.S. government about $2500. But Dr Mengele and Dr. Torrey point out that the medication is very cost-effective, since untreated demonstrators might ultimately cost the government, and the corporations that own it, far more than the total price of the drug. Dr. Mengele said, “It is a very small price to pay for maintaining our American way of life.”
We discovered the above satire posted on the Icarus Project Facebook group.
We’re laughing now, but let us hope this satire doesn’t come true. Standing up for what we believe in is NOT ‘mental illness’–not standing up for what you believe in? Perhaps.
Don’t let this satire become the way of the professionals. If you are a mental health professional, always keep an open mind. Not everyone needs a diagnosis. But everyone does need to feel like their concerns are being heard.